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Oct 312010
 

The English Premier League is full of flaws, just like anything else on this earth.

But if the teams had their own version of computer viruses, it would look something like this.

MANCHESTER UNITED VIRUSES:

Taken from http://www.comeonspurs.com/football_funnies/180003.php :

The Manchester United virus – This is where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus – Designed to drain your bank account, this one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.

The David Beckham virus – This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus – Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus – The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Solskjaer virus – Will take numerous attempts to get into the net, often failing completely.

The Ryan Giggs virus – The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it’s better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.

The Fabien Barthez virus – You just can’t save anything.

Laurent Blanc virus – Makes your Computer go really slow and creates big holes in your Hard-Drive!

The Phil Neville virus – The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network.

Dressing Room virus – Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.

Drawing on inspiration from this great joke, I created viruses of some other teams.
Please note that I am joking the entire way through. To corroborate this claim, I have made up an array of Spurs viruses – And there are a lot of them that remain undiscovered xD.

A few more United Viruses:

Nani Virus – Frequently causes your system to go down without anything touching it.

Old Trafford Referee Virus – An erratic virus which performs the illegal operation of sending false data in the form of sending a goal where there should be a free kick or deleting the goalline from United’s net folder. Usually caused by the system having more than 70,000 cockney voice clips stored on it.

Stoppage Time Virus – A virus which generally delays shut-down by however long it takes for one more United goal to be stored on the system, usually two extra minutes. See the picture above for a better insight. Fergie’s system has had this virus for 20 years!

CHELSEA VIRUSES:

Drogba Virus – See Nani Virus.

Cole Virus – Known to cause disturbance by rejecting floppy discs and only accepting hard USB sticks in his slot.

Sugar Daddy Virus v1.0 - Overloads the system with funds in the form of continuous numbers. However, downloading of ‘silverware’ files is still possible.

Kakuta Transfer Virus – Corrupted file. Interferes with the Mother-board.

LIVERPOOL VIRUSES:

Rafa Virus – Creates a ‘FACT’ shortcut, but leads to failure of the system.

Accent Virus - Infects the soundcard and speakers in Liverpudlian accent terms. The pronunciations of ‘c’ or ‘k’ begins to sound like ‘h’. So ‘Like’ becomes ‘Lihe’ for example.

Stevie G. Virus – Corrupts your music library so that it only plays certain songs off Steven Gerrard’s own playlist. Clicking any track it disapproves of can result in total system shutdown, and a cracked screen/skull resulting from him punching it.

ARSENAL VIRUSES:

Wenger Virus v1.0 – Overloads the system non-stop with new foreign software, particularly from French and French-African territory servers.

Wenger Virus v2.0 – Even worse when combined with the Thierry Henry installation upgrade, this virus roughs up the fan causing the computer system to emit a loud, irritating whirring sound which indicates that a response is loading (sounds a bit like – UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!).

Walcott Virus - Tries to emulate the Lennon program. Only the Lennon program is officially approved by Capello Systems International.

Gallas Virus - Computer leaks tears from two obscure locations at either side when Arsenal draw at home.

Silverware Virus – The ‘Emirates Stadium Trophies 06-10′ folder is still empty.

MANCHESTER CITY VIRUSES:

Directors Virus v1.0 - Deletes the ‘Mark Hughes’ file and replaces it with the ‘Roberto Mancini’ file which can be considered as a pointless downgrade.

Directors Virus v2.0 - This virus hacks the ‘Champions League’ folder where the funds and the ‘Roberto Mancini’ file are present and deletes it from the drive.

Sugar Daddy Virus v2.0 – Just like v1.0 but prevents silverware downloads.

SPURS VIRUSES:

Info generously provided by Tottenham’s own software – Naughton Anti-Virus ;)

King Virus v1.0 - A Trojan-like virus. Brilliant at protection. A firewall in front of the net but really a liability in disguise ;) Usually followed up by the Woodgate Virus where your computer just won’t run at all.

King Virus v2.0 – Drinking habits infect the entire system, slowing it down, sometimes until it becomes completely unresponsive on match days.

Lennon Virus - Makes the system overheat, but has been quarantined on occasion when encountering an advanced firewall defence.

Keane Virus - Starts off as a great program on the Spurs computer, but after being installed on the Liverpool FC brand of computer under the RAFA system, comes back corrupted when reinstalled on the Spurs computer under the ‘ARRY system.

Bale Virus - This virus is unique as all it does is help erase the Ryan Giggs Virus from Welsh international computer systems. ;)

Jenas Virus - A shortcut which leads to nowhere and still takes up unnecessary space.

Levy Virus - Scams credit card details for a £70m spree on many players and then system fails immediately after reaching this milestone. It has also been known to spread to United’s system and scam £30m in exchange for the Berbatov SPAM file.
However this only occurs in Windows.

Corluka Virus - Sometimes slows system down and temporarily switches off, allowing attack from external sources.

NxtYr Virus - Procrastinating a trophy win until the following season. Attempts to retrieve a silverware file but ultimately fails to.

Oct 312010
 

Given the armband that signals the captain at any club is a top honour and it used to be the same for Spurs. Since Harry come to manage Spurs I think it has turned into something of a joke. I see players being substituted week in week out for Spurs and the captains armband is passed around like a note in a school classroom.

It was bad enough that when Robbie Keane returned to the club that he was given the role of captaincy once again but yesterday really took the biscuit for me. Robbie can’t get a look in usually and it’s obvious Harry Redknapp wants to move him on in January but for some reason Keane got a rare start and for an even stranger reason he was given the captains duty.

I was thinking myself surely there is someone more suited, a few years back I would have had no problem with Keane taking the job but things have changed. A captain needs to be someone who plays reguarly and someone who can give the rest of the team a lift with some inspirtation. Even though he has been there only a short time I think Van der Vaart with all his experience would have been a better role model, Modric would have been my first choice or even Gareth Bale, it doesn’t matter that he is young. Arsenal gave it to Fabregas when he was young and since then he has only improved.

I would rather see Gareth Bale or any other player who we plan to keep at the club a long time give the armband permanently and restore some pride in the duty once again, if you’re young enough you’re good enough. Bale showed this against Inter when he single-handedly tried to lift the team and spare us from a nightmare.

So captaincy, who would you give it to? Huddlestone is another good shout for me, or could even Gomes be another dark horse, I do like to see a keeper with the armband on.

 Posted by at 09:57
Oct 312010
 

Fair enough we lost to one of the country’s top teams yesterday but watching the performance there was a few reasons why we will still struggle to get an away win against one of the top teams.

Firstly even at 1-0 down the players didn’t ask enough questions of Manchester United, it’s almost like they lacked the self belief that they were good enough to get a point, you could almost see the belief go out of the players the moment Van der Vaart walked off the pitch.

Secondly, we don’t have a settled team this year, apart from our midfield we have different strikers and different defenders playing each game. Yesterday it was Kaboul and Gallas and to my amazement I though Gallas actually had the better game for once. The trouble is we have to settled pairing this season which will always cost you goals, no matter how good the defenders are if they aren’t a settled pair then goals will be shipped in.

The biggest problem and it’s there for all to see, our strikers just are not good enough to threaten the top teams, Pav is the best we have but personally I don’t think Crouch and Keane are good enough anymore. We all said it all summer long that we needed a top striker. I can understand why Harry likes a 4-5-1 with the team he has got but he needs to understand while that is all well and good he needs to have a striker in the Spurs team who can actually play the lone striker role. Defoe is a great striker but I don’t even think he is cut out for a lone role. Yesterday we started with one up top which was Robbie Keane but the end of the game we had Crouch and Pav up front. This needs to be addressed in January, I now believe that Levy and Redknapp can see that they made a big mistake not buying a striker in January.

Oct 302010
 

So at 1-0 we are still in the game and gearing up for a final assault on the United goal I hoped. Enter Mark Clattenburg again, five years on from that goal that never was which robbed us of our first Premiership win over United at Old Trafford and the man in the middle was at the centre of controversy again.

Clattenberg didn't see this one either

The way I saw this went like this, Nani went down in the box (should have been a penalty) but Clattenburg waved away claims of a penalty to which Nani put his hands on the ball to try claim the penalty. Gomes then assumed it would be a freekick to us for the handball because it was so blatant he put the ball down to take a freekick but Nani kicked it in the net and the goal was awarded. The assistant then flagged but Clattenburg was having none of it.

Now maybe Gomes should have waited for the whistle before assuming he would get a freekick, players are always taught to play to whistle so you can argue Gomes should have done just that. However it was a blatant handball by Nani so I can see why Gomes assumed it was a freekick.

I won’t take anything away from Nani though, he had a great game and he was the difference between the two teams, dream team points for me lol. The game was a good contest, especially in the first half but Tottenham never reached top gear, Bale and Lennon didn’t have good games, you can sort of forgive Bale but Lennon has been like this for months now.

You can’t blame Nani for the incident which lead to the second goal, although you do expect the officials to get it right when it’s that obvious.

The Spurs heads seemed to drop after Van der Vaart limped off with a hamstring injury which may mean he might  the Inter Milan clash on Tuesday night.

Look forward to this one being on MOTD tonight

 Posted by at 19:22
Oct 302010
 

To watch this match live click the forum link at the bottom of the article and log in or sign up.

Firstly sorry for the confusion, someone was pulling my plonker by telling me Bale wasn’t playing which made me angry.

The Tottenham team is somewhat as expected, Gomes starts in goal, Hutton keeps his place at right back, Kaboul and Gallas pair up in central defence with BAE on the left. Lennon starts on the right wing with Bale on the left, Modric and Jenas are in the middle with Rafael Van der Vaart just in front and a surprise inclusion up front as Robbie Keane plays the loan striker.

FORUM

Oct 302010
 

No I’m not a dad yet. I’m talking about who in our current squad plays or even looks like a past Spurs legend and why. Of course I’m not going to be able to compare the entire squad to that of the Double-winning side of 50 years ago. However, some of our current players have the playing style of legendary players who graced the lane a bit further up the timeline.

If Paul Robinson was here, I would have dared to liken him to Pat Jennings mostly for the goal he scored. If you have nothing else to do at the moment, watch their famous goals one after the other. Both of their shots have the ball bouncing over their adversary’s head and into the net.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be adding a ‘twin’ and explaining where I’m coming from along the way. Might take a lot of explaining though! Don’t worry, all of the forthcoming blogs contain no trace of Jenas, but have been made on a site where Jenas is handled.

One or two of the ‘twin’ pairings might force me to take some flak. See if you can guess which ones.

MOD v HOD [REFEREE: GOD!]

As soon as Glenn Hoddle’s boots touched the turf of White Hart Lane, he lit the place up.

As soon as Luka Modric’s boots did the same, he himself did the same.

The twin connotation here is basically – Like Hoddle, Modric is honestly as ugly as f**k, but their football has been some of the most beautiful that Spurs fans e’er did see. Modric’s vision and passing ability illustrates this perfectly. One of the finest games the ‘Croatian Cruyff’ has had in his Spurs career so far has got to be the 2008/2009 League Cup Final against United. Single-handedly, Little Luka poked holes throughout United’s defensive system like emmental cheese.

The way Modric takes a shot at goal  resembles the magic that Hoddle created in his 12 years at the Lane more accurately. The strike is sweet but harnesses a lot of power. The style of their strike is the most similar of all the traits they share.

When lining up for a shot, Modric usually waits for a loose bouncing ball and then launches his right boot at it. Hoddle was the more successful at this skill, but he was playing with a heavier ball, so the flightpath of the ball would’ve been different (e.g. the ball wouldn’t lift over the bar so much).

Mod and Hod – Beautiful football in a very good disguise!

Oct 302010
 

Apart from the obvious reasons such as getting the 3 points and breaking into the top four there are more reasons why a win is important for the club and the fans today, reasons which I will attempt to go into having had a few beers before this article I will make an attempt.

Spurs never really do well up at Old Trafford, it’s not the town because our record at Manchester City is a complete contrast to the one against Manchester United but for some unknown reason we just can’t win there, although I consider us winning there a few seasons back when Pedro Mendes scored a perfectly good goal which was never given. It is important we beat Manchester United to end this hoodoo at Old Trafford, we are capable of giving them a game, we sometimes take the lead but only to throw it away by giving away a stupid penalty or something.

Another vital reason for a win is to put an end to another hoodoo that hangs over us, yes you know which one. The ability to win away to another top four club, this needs to be done if we are to be taken seriously and it will make a statement that Tottenham Hotspur have at long last arrived. We haven’t beaten Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea or United away from home in god knows how long, maybe somebody else can give me the answer because I am setting up streams for the match I don’t have the time to look right now. We need to be able to beat top clubs away from home, I am not saying every game we should win but out of the so-called top four I would like at least 4 points this season.

If we can pick up points off the top clubs especially away from home then when we have a slip up like we did against Wigan it probably won’t be so costly come the end of the season. We had a few bad results last year, most notably the Wolves fixtures, if we hadn’t then gone on to beat Chelsea, Arsenal and the Mancs which in fairness saved our arses then we wouldn’t be where we are now, the question is if we don’t pick up points away to top clubs and then slip up again to smaller clubs we leave ourselves with the mammoth task of beating the top teams at home again.

So hopefully the players share my way of thinking today and go out there with the belief that they are good enough to win, we all know they are so let’s hope they don’t buckle to the pressure. Once we start beating these clubs away from home can we really kick on.

If you don’t have ESPN sign up to the forum where streams will be added for your viewing pleasure.

COYS!!

 Posted by at 08:46
Oct 292010
 

As always you can watch this in the forum, click the link at the bottom of the article and log in.

Wouldn’t a win at Old Trafford please us all in this weekend’s big match, It’s a fixture that usually means misery for Spurs, I don’t think we have ever won at Old Trafford in the Premiership but now is as good of a time as any with United not really hitting top gear yet this season and the gap between the two teams seemingly closing.

Spurs boast one of the richest midfields in the Premiership with Redknapp having talent at his disposal which Sir Alex would like to get his hands on. Although United are still a strong side they are not as daunting to play against as the Champions League winning side a few years back which included Christiano Ronaldo.

Team News

Man Utd

Sir Alex is likely to stick with Hernandex in attack after his double last weekend away to Stoke which impressed the United boss and will ensure the Mexican keeps his place in the starting XI. Berbatov will be the obvious choice to partner Hernandez in attack, facing his former side.

Ryan  Giggs is still out with a hamstring injury and the mean that has made all the headlines Wayne Rooney is still out with an Ankle injury which will see Spurs fancy their chances.

Spurs

Ledley King is improving after suffering a groin injury and may make a return soon although it won’t be for this one. Gallas and Kaboul started the last fixture and may do so again tomorrow although Bassong could be in the running for a place.

Wilson Palacios may start in midfield as Tom Huddlestone has failed to shake of his injury although he may make a return for the Inter Milan game on Tuesday night in the Champions League. Rafael Van der Vaart will start and will probably play the role of supporting the front man, whether that be Crouch of Pav we will have to wait and see.

If Spurs had a fully fit side I would be confident we can do something tomorrow, although still hopeful our injury list might mean that this proves one test too much for us although I hope I am wrong.

COYS!!

FORUM

Oct 292010
 

 

In the build up to last Sunday’s fixture between Manchester City and Arsenal at Eastlands, I was struck by a sense of slight unease. Unfamiliar thoughts were sprouting in the deepest darkest recesses of my subconscious.  I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t quite put it out of mind – was it just possible that, for the first time ever, a tiny part of me might want Arsenal to win?

I truly despise everything that is happening at Manchester City, for reasons almost too obvious to document. The idea that a team can be swept from eternal mediocrity to serious contention on the arbitrary whim of a billionaire, that success need not be built or developed over time, seems to render the whole purpose of being a fan redundant. Manchester City’s current place in the top four of the Premier League is no reflection whatsoever on the passion or loyalty of their fans, the vision of their management, or the tradition and reputation of their club – it’s entirely the consequence of the fact that a member of an unelected ruling elite in a far off country, who has only ever attended one Manchester City game, has more money than he can spend.

I’m so contemptuous of the players who’ve signed their soul over to Sheikh Mansour. Anti-football hatchet man Nigel de Jong, cry baby mercenary Adebayor, Milner and Barry who left a far more admirable project at Villa for City’s ten million pieces of silver, overrated and overpaid oafs the Toure brothers. (200k a week for a glorified Papa Bouba Diop? You’re welcome to him.) The only one of this shower I take any pleasure in is Tevez,, whose expression of hideous, gleeful innocence fondly reminds me of Sloth from the Goonies. I’m almost certain that Garry Cook enticed him across the Manchester divide with the promise of an enormous bucket of Baby Ruths.

In short, Manchester City are poisoning football with their rampant consumerism and must be stopped. In addition, I still believe we are more likely to finish above them than Arsenal, and so on almost every sensible level it made sense to want the scum to win this game. Would I find myself cheering on Arsene’s boys?

Of course not. I should never have doubted myself. Whatever I had thought prior to kick off, the sight of those red and white shirts inflamed the same old sense of toxic hatred, and within 30 seconds of kick off I was the world’s biggest City fan. I howled with anger at the sending off, even though it was an absolutely blatant red card, and spent the rest of the game cursing the typical scummy lucky break that allowed them to coast to victory in a game they might otherwise have lost. I just absolutely, overwhelmingly hate them, and my dislike of the opposition was as usual entirely irrelevant. I always, always want Arsenal to lose.

I admit that there is something a bit illogical about it, especially since it is undeniable that there are some admirable things about Wenger’s Arsenal. His refusal to routinely splash big money on players and preference for bringing through youth (albeit not much of it English) is a bold ideological choice. It also stops them from winning. When I consider his refusal to spend top dollar on a decent keeper and a world class centre forward, I’m filled with the same kind of relief as when I contemplate Hitler opening up a second front in 1941 – I have no idea why they would want to make such blatantly stupid self-destructive decisions, but I’m awfully glad for everyone else’s sake.

They also do play attractive football. Not Barcelona or Brazil 70 attractive, but attractive. I can accept that.

But I do believe that rivalry aside, there are very good reasons to hate Arsenal. For one thing, I just can’t stand Wenger’s insistence that because they play pretty football,no-one should attempt to tackle them. I’m still waiting for him to condemn Jack Wilshere for his recent appalling challenge as enthusiastically as he did Martin Taylor when he demanded a life ban for the Birmingham man after his tackle on Eduardo. He also seemed not to notice Bendtner’s heinous cheating against Newcastle the other night, and to forget that he won his first title at Arsenal on the foundation of one of the dirtiest back fours in football history. He’s a hypocrite on a jaw-dropping scale.

Then there’s his unerring ability to sign sly, diving, arrogant players with reptilian features and deeply offensive haircuts. (Chamakh is the latest, he looks like a runty little komodo dragon chewing a wasp and has that sickening slimy Euro-hair as favoured by porn stars and Basque separatists) These players all take a leaf out of their boss’s book and believe that because they can string a few passes together Arsenal have absolute moral authority and are the only team who ever deserve to win anything. This rubs off on the fans, too – with their constant smug assurances that they “only want to win doing things the right way” and that they “wouldn’t sacrifice good football” to win trophies they seem to conveniently overlook the fact they support a club which for the first hundred years of its existence brawled, fouled, long-balled and cheated its way to success. To listen to them you’d think Arsenal invented Total Football rather than brining the world Bould, Winterburn and Linighan.

Whether you hate them for these reasons, for Herbert Chapman buying them into the league, or just because you consider it your duty as a Spurs fan, how deep does your animosity run? There’s the obvious exceptions – Arsenal must win for Spurs to win the league/get into Europe/avoid relegation, etc – but times like that aside, could you ever want Arsenal to win? If you’re in any doubt, scroll back to the top of this article and take one look at Martin Keown’s face. It will tell you everything you need to know.

 Posted by at 15:34